From Newcomer to Church Member.
Remember the cards in the deck before this? Those are all still in play, at the same time.
Before You Continue
This section explores the early stages of becoming deeply immersed in a high-control religious environment, including the rapid development of belonging, friendship, purpose, responsibility, and emotional attachment.
As we examine how these experiences can gradually affect our time, attention, relationships, choices, and sense of self, you may recognize parts of your own story.
For some survivors, looking closely at these experiences can bring up grief, confusion, anger, longing, or difficult memories.
You are in control of how far you go.
Read at your own pace. Take a break whenever you need one. You do not have to finish this section today.
We’re simply slowing down the process and looking at what was happening, one piece at a time.
Now we are in the place where a person has been starting to steadily go to events, without having to be called or prompted.
Do you remember that feeling?
For me it was like a blur and a rush. A rush of excitement and belonging, and a blur because it seemed to happen so quickly, so quickly that I can mostly, only remember the feelings associated with it. I do not remember all that happened at that time.
A youth group meeting.
Huge group sleepover at the pastor’s daughter’s house.
Church services.
Band concerts, concerts at the parks.
School, but with my new friends.
Feeling like you have actual support when not that long ago you didn’t.
It mattered.
It made things easier.
Easier, as in not every day was an unbearable struggle.
I began looking forward to school days.
I began not just being a person going to things, but I started becoming a participant as well.
Days passed by quickly.
I began looking forward to every event and trying to go to everything that I could… because why wouldn’t you want to be where you finally felt welcomed and appreciated?
When you felt like you had friends, and these friends started to feel like they were becoming family.
Let’s take a moment to breathe and allow ourselves to feel and then to center ourselves before we move forward. Because I have come to believe and learn that just rushing from memory to memory, doesn’t necessarily bring healing. I use to want to process everything as quickly as possible.
Like LET’S get this over with.
The faster the better, right? Because then they can’t steal anymore of my time.
The problem with that, as I have learned… Is that if you move through things to quickly and don’t actually feel the moment and be present in what was happening, then you end up merely intellectualizing things.
This I was Stellar at! To my dismay… heh.
I have learned that even though it is painful, especially painful for me in my case, to slow down and sit with things.
That it, really does a lot of work for us.
I don’t know about all you, but for me it was serious work to just sit and be.
Let alone sit and be while being present in one of those moments.
But, to sit and be present in the memory, and take the time to observe the things we are talking about, to remember what happened, it’s really important.
It’s important because it helps us… to learn to slow down.
It’s important because it allows us to feel
(even when we don’t want to)
in a way that can bring healing.
And, it’s important because it helps us to heal and be able to begin to move on, instead of having to relive the same things over and over again.
What happens when you keep going back because this place has become somewhere you want to be?
At first, the answer seems simple.
You keep going back.
You go because you want to see your friends.
You go because there is something exciting happening.
You go because you know people will be there.
You go because you finally have somewhere that feels good to be.
And because you are choosing to go,
Because it’s what you want.
It has made your life better.
But something begins to change when going back becomes a given.
At first, people may have been the ones telling you about the next event.
Come to this.
You should come Sunday.
We’re doing this tomorrow.
But eventually, they no longer have to ask.
You already know what’s happening.
You are looking forward to it.
You check the schedule.
You make plans around it.
You start thinking about the next thing before the current thing has even ended.
You begin to organize your life around it.
And without anyone having to tell you to do it, more and more of your time begins going there.
Not because someone took it from you or made you.
But, because you gave it.
And that’s important.
Because at this point, it doesn’t feel like losing something.
It feels like finally having something.
And it’s something you had wanted for a long time.
Whether it be a place of safety where you felt an ease of belonging,
Or friends that made you feel important.
A sense of community, that began feeling like family.
For me there was safety.
At home was not a safe place for me.
It was not filled with love or good attention,
It was fear and obedience.
Abuse and neglect.
So safety in the church was big for me.
Not only was I able to get to go to a safe place,
But, I also had friends.
Friends that appreciated me,
Cared where I was and how I was doing.
Friends that wanted me around all the time.
Belonging, when I had never really belonged before.
The more I went, the more they started feeling like more than just friends, or a church community.
They began to feel like family.
Family that seemed to love and care about me.
And man, let me tell you. I had a rough life. Extremely rough, to put it mildly.
So when I went and I felt belonging and friendship…
Important and cared about. It meant the world to me.
Now we enter the transition of when WE became reliable and dependable.
No one had to follow up on us anymore. We were no longer just newcomers.
We have reached the point where we have become part of the church.
The next part is different for everyone I would think.
For me I was invited to join worship ministry within two weeks of being there.
Within a few weeks of me being in ministry came the next changes, which we will talk about with the next card.
Continue the Investigation
We have slowed down to look at a transition.
Not a single moment.
Not a single mechanism.
A process.
The cards we have already turned over continue operating in tandem, and together they help create the conditions for what comes next.
We are moving from belonging and participation toward something different: having become reliable, dependable, and increasingly entrusted within the community.
That transition matters.
Because what happens next depends on where we have arrived.
Remember…
This is not a race.
It’s a marathon.
There is no rush.
You control the pace.
When you’re ready,
I’ll be here.
Then we’ll turn over the next card.
One at a time.
Together.
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